Hi Traveling Ted readers! My name is Ryan McCoy and I will be your guest writer today. I have been traveling by my bootstraps and living out of a Previa van for six months in order to get a closer feel for American culture and landscape. If you like my ramblings here, check me out at www.travelandgraphs.com!
“In honor of Free National Park Week, I will be visiting 7 western national parks in 7 days: Joshua Tree, Death Valley, Zion, Bryce Canyon, Capital Reef, Arches, and Canyonlands. Get to a park near you!”
This Facebook post, which was nothing but a shameless attempt to get a ton of “likes” from my friends, was made on April 20th. Fast forward a week later and I lay in the back of my van (fetal position, inhaling comfort food), vowing to never boast on the internet again.
Comfort food – All photos courtesy of Ryan McCoy
Here is a rough outline of how I hit rock bottom.
Setting out like God’s gift to road trips, Joshua Tree is visited first. I ride my bike from the town sharing the same name, because logically if the town is named Joshua Tree…and the park is named Joshua Tree…they’re probably real close together. And besides, I saw this cheerful omen to start my whole 7 park adventure:
National park week omen on the way to Joshua Tree
An hour and a half of uphill riding later the park gates are reached. I decide not to let this get me down, and focus instead on the park opening into a labyrinth of boulders, cactus-like yucca trees, and fire ants. I ride and ride and ride some more. After an endless amount of time on a two lane road that cuts through the rocky park, a small picnic area is a much needed resting point.
Joshua Tree National Park
Joshua Tree National Park
“How far into the park are we, halfway or about two thirds? How much longer does the main road continue?” I ask proudly of another resting biker. “You have made it maybe 5% deep into the park.” He says flatly, failing in the attempt to hide his humor at my previous statements.
I need to salvage myself from this embarrassment. Whether my decisions to mutter something sounding like “Indeedly” and stare blankly down the road at a cactus accomplished this, I cannot say.
I dejectedly head back to Joshua Tree (town version). The ride down hill is incredible; it feels like flying a spaceship through a Martian terrain as boulders and desert whiz by.
Joshua Tree National Park
Still zipping downhill, the park now long behind, my right hand turn off approaches fast. Instead of braking, I decide to make a circle to the left and loop around.
The wheels slip out and the bike tumbles down.
Splat!
Joshua Tree war wound
As I lay on the side of the road, still in post-crash shock, cars sort of slow down in an unsure gesture that shows they recognize my plight, but feel the integrity of traffic flow cannot be compromised.
The trip to Death Valley will surely be one of redemption. At the time, I can think of nothing inevitably ironic about that sentence. Who the heck turned the air conditioning off? My mind rages as I step into the valley climate.
Death Valley National Park
A gaggle of tourists is congregated on a lookout I was anticipating to look out from. These plans are immediately cancelled; if I wanted to broil in a condensed space with equally perspiring individuals I would have just gone to the Gold’s Gym sauna.
A ways further in the park is a sign for the “Mule Trail.” This seems like a sound choice, despite my deficiency in mule ownership. But that doesn’t appear important, as the path is clear and goes through some real pretty rocks.
To understand this next part you must also understand one of my biggest goals in life is to see the Milky Way traces in the night sky. The pamphlet distributed at the entrance gate tells me I can “view the stardust of a galaxy before my very eyes.”
A plan is hatched.
I load up on water, hike to a secluded but relatively close by spot, and resolve to wait it out until the stars come. Since the park gate is open 24/7, I can drive out whenever I wish.
While the sun takes its sweet time in setting, pebbles are thrown at various objects to keep the mind occupied.
Putrid water in Death Valley
Again, imagery seems to be trying to convey the impending doom:
Death Valley living up to its name
A few hours pass and it’s time for a small drink of water. In Death Valley, water stays refreshing and cool for about as long as it takes to pour, after which lava-fication takes place. For whatever reason, the scorching temperature brings out subtle suggestions of plastic in the water’s taste.
A stomach sickness results, quickly joined by panic and desperation. Can’t hike back now, feeling nauseous and with water reserves questionable. Better to wait for dark, when it will be cooler and I will be stronger.
Travel Pro Tip: Sunsets in Death Valley lose charm when one feels themselves trapped in a giant slow roaster.
Night begins to fall on Death Valley
Night eventually falls and the darkness makes navigating the path torturous guesswork.
Small steps, small stumbles, small steps.
Somewhere, a group of mules laugh condescendingly.
This time will be different. Play it safe: hike a few easy trails, take a bus ride, and head back into town early for pizza.
Hiking is a success:
Zion National Park
Now just a bus ride north to a 1 mile flat hike through the canyon narrows, take a couple of pictures and then back for the pizza. (Spoiler: There’s no pizza at the end of this.)
It’s strangely dark out for the bus line to run for another hour and a half, but this doesn’t seem important since the path is clear and it goes through some pretty rocks.
Apparently, they change the time zones from Nevada to Utah. Since my phone was manufactured during the Carter administration, it doesn’t have the capability to update itself.
No more buses scheduled.
A quick look at the map to see how long the hike back to my van is. An even quicker crumbling of said map.
Sprinting down the road, the camera is in one hand and the map in the other. If this were an indie movie, a playful alt-rock song would play in the background to let you know the hero will make it out alive.
In reality the only sound is a rustling coming from either the wind or mountain lions out for a tasty Ryan sized meal. When running alone through a pitch black canyon, the mind can think of little else than one’s tastiness in the eyes of various predatory creatures.
Hey look, lights ahead!
Turns out, Zion often runs one last shuttle after nightfall; though this information was not pertinent enough to print in the pamphlet. Blasting into the parked bus, still in a full sprint, I collapse into a nearby seat.
Sanity hovers around my head, deliberating whether it’s safe to come back just yet. It opts against the notion, as everything still seems fuzzy and surreal.
I wish it would hurry though, because the strangest shape seems quite distressed by my sudden materialization out of the darkness. In the right light, it kind of looks like a bus driver.
Bryce Canyon
“Be advised: Weather calls for snow today at Bryce Canyon.” Now starting to fear for my life, this park is skipped. I never really liked guys named Bryce anyways.
Capital Reef
By this time, it’s quite obvious the ghost of the national parks system has a grudge. My mental state now (day 4) is such that an imagined curse involving preservationist legend John Muir, The McCoy family line, and some sort of Shakespearean vengeance is given serious thought.  Good times.
Activities at Capitol Reef are considered. The map reads: Challenging Hiking Trails here and here.
Nope. Nope. NOPE.
I don’t leave my van.
 Arches
Traveler Pro Tip #2: Don’t listen to weather-people.
Arches National Park
Riding the bicycle back to the van after a good days sightseeing, the first ribbon of lightning streaks across the red formations of Arches. Being a clever young traveler, I wait for the next crack so I can count the interval to the broom of the thunder, and figure out how far away the storm is.
BRROCRAAACKBROMORMEORMOM
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!?! The brroomomom is not supposed to come before the craaaack. I take this for a bad sign.
Ditching the bike and sticking a thumb out, I stand drowning in cats, dogs, frogs, and all other animals associated with condensation.
BRROCRAAACKBROMORMEORMOM
Thunder in a canyon is almost literally a soul shaking experience, shrinking you with each oscillation.  Thankfully a German couple takes pity and gives me a lift to back to the parking lot.
Every picture tells a story
After that, five seems just as fine a stopping point as seven ever was. Please, keep me in your thoughts as I start a 4 month job in Yellowstone next week.
If you read all that, you might like to follow @travelandgraphs or check out www.travelandgraphs.com
Stay tuned,
TT
The goal of Traveling Ted is to inspire people to outdoor adventure travel and then provide tips on where and how to go. If you liked this post then enter your email in the box to get email notifications for each new entry. Daily travel photos are excluded from your email in order to not flood you with posts. There is no spam and email information will not be shared. Other e-follow options include Facebook (click on the like box to the right) or twitter (click on the pretty bird on the rainbow above).
I dunno– we went on several “strenuous” hikes at Zion and it was totally worth it! I thought the shuttle was super easy and frequent. It’s a great national park
Leslie recently posted..PHOTOS: Inside the first Frieze Art Fair in New York City
Oh I completely agree. The miscue was all on my fossil of a phone and decision to chance the trail at night.
The park itself is one of the best in the country!
Ryan at Travel and Graphs recently posted..The Man’s Guide to (Horribly) Travelling with a Woman
I have a fossil cell phone myself. I could see how a mistake like this could be made. We all have our moments.
I think one lesson your story tells us is it is important to be prepared when visiting our national parks. Although they are amazing and beautiful, they can also at times be very unforgiving.
People have died making the same mistakes as you. It is a good thing nothing serious happened to you on your caper and you lived to tell the tale on my website.
Thanks again Ryan!